Compatibility and Unconditionality
Some pointers towards having a healthy and loving relationship
I’ve had some issues in my marriage this year, so I’ve dived deep to explore what makes relationships healthy (vs toxic or just merely long-lasting). This post is meant to be a non-comprehensive partial sense making on what I’ve found up until the mid of May 2025 (when I dived into Attachment Theory, for which I’m going to write a separate post).
All three resources that I found most useful (Mark Manson’s work, Art of Accomplishment and Mettagroup’s Attachment work) surprisingly point towards a single trait - that of Authenticity as being the core of what makes relationships healthy & good (and the lack of authenticity (among other things) for what gives rise to toxic dynamics).
This post is meant to be a reference. Following the links in the text below is more valuable than believing the words I wrote.
In dating, relationships, marriage - there are two general directions that you can move - one is compatibility the other is unconditionality.
Compatibility is how much you fit with the other person in terms of values, habits, aspirations, even chemistry and resonance between you.
Unconditionality is how much you can see, accept, support and cherish the other person no matter what is happening with them (or with you).
When you’re dating or early in a relationship - the most important thing to focus on is compatibility. You have to seek the person with whom you’re great with.
Perfect compatibility does not exists. Or if it does, it’s only for a while.
Except of you find an Alice (apparently if you find an Alice everything just works out).
In long-term relationships and marriages - unconditionality becomes the main thing, because people inevitably change. Values and habits change and even compatibility changes. The question becomes - do you want to be with this person as they’re growing? Do you want to be with them as they’re succeeding and as they’re failing? Do you want to grow together?
Healthy unconditionality leads to mutual support and healing. It includes seeing and being seen. It facilities bonding, authenticity and truth between the partners. Even when truth is hard. It facilitates growth.
If you’re in a long term relationship and you haven’t developed unconditionality in a deep way - that leads to separation and divorce when someone inevitably changes.
Unconditionality is almost never truly unconditional. It has a certain amount of power. It’s easier when you’re in a high compatibility period. It can become strained in a low compatibility period or when one or both of the partners are going through a tough time. It’s hard to be in a relationship that doesn’t fulfill your needs or brings you down emotionally for a long time. This often leads to separation.
The ideal scenario is when you have both Compatibility and Unconditionality. I’ve lived through times like that and they have been some of the most happy times of my life.
Toxicity
A toxic relationship is one that has unhealthy boundaries and is all about validating each other, instead of being authentic and truthful with each other and supporting each other’s happiness. Validating each other and being afraid to share your truth is the basis of codependency and inauthenticity.
There is also a toxic (or fake) version of compatibility and a toxic (or fake) version of unconditionality. Evil twins, you might say.
Toxic compatibility is when there is chemistry along with a lot of drama and emotional swings between the partners and that feels intoxicating - the partners mistake the thrill and intensity of these interactions for actual compatibility or love. It’s tricky because the thrill feels good, but it's not an indicator of being good. It can even be a contra-indicator!
Toxic unconditionality is when you stay with a person as their behavior or the relationship itself is harming you in some way – degrading your self worth or physically hurting you (abusive relationships). If you’re in a fully toxic relationship - a good idea is to just take care of your own safety usually by leaving.
If you’re in a challenging or toxic period of a relationship that’s been genuinely good for quite some time, there are a bunch of things that you can do - like
understand your values and come up with shared agreements about the differences in them
stop caretaking each other or managing each other’s emotions and start genuinely taking care for each other’s authentic needs
if you have a disorganized attachment - work towards achieving earned security through attachment repair via Ideal Parent Figure protocol
And no matter if your relationship is in a good or bad state, it’s important to build and maintain a good support system.
Growth
Compatibility is not enough as it changes with time. Love is not enough either.
The proper movement might be - find a person with whom you are genuinely compatible with and resonate well - and develop an unconditional relationship with them that’s based on authenticity, truth and that allows for healthy behaviour dynamics and mutual growth.